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77353 Posts in 11430 Topics- by 6401 Members - Latest Member: uacummings5821

May 21, 2013, 11:48:47 AM
Poetry In BaltimorePoetry ForumsPost Your Poetryworkshop poem: whiter shade of pale
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theirishsea
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« on: December 23, 2006, 01:54:44 AM »

blinds closed against the day
skin scrubbed so white and pink
hair gray like a city fountain tumbling
rich on an afternoon the end of June
eyes a subdued blue not looking out
but walking corridors within
searching for some face or voice
but  though the frail ear is now against the wall
the sounds may or may not be real
how memory tricks one into believing
the walls have hooks but no pictures
the furniture waxwd, polished, shines
or is covered with sheets
the TV is off because nothing is on
the lady in an out of fashion gray sweater
pinches an opening in the blinds
watches two children
perhaps eight or nine
walk down the block
around the corner
their feet tick away
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shadowr
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« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2006, 02:44:23 AM »

great stuff! I love it all except the last line...too pat and obvious. Can you turn it into a sensory image that delivers the same message, but lets me think I discovered the idea behind it?
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theirishsea
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2006, 01:25:27 PM »

I changedthe last line but not sure that that change works. Let me know what you think.
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lesliefmiller
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« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2006, 03:55:37 PM »

I like the last line, and I like everything but the middle.  I like it up to June, and then I like it to pick up with "The TV."  I don't know why.  I really think it's beautiful.  But the middle--I think I am having difficulty with my attention span lately.  
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