Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

 
Advanced search

79227 Posts in 11645 Topics- by 5889 Members - Latest Member: aguacero7

April 23, 2014, 02:52:20 PM
Poetry In BaltimorePoetry ForumsPost Your PoetryBulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
Pages: 1 [2]
Print
Author Topic: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th  (Read 778 times)
dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2012, 11:11:54 PM »

Bard, is that a general comment or is this poem getting worse?
Who is Thomas?
Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
BardmasterUB05
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 206
Posts: 6939



View Profile Email
« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2012, 11:18:08 PM »

Dannen, revisions are a must, don't let anybody kid you ,but don't let it become an obsession. It's good to get a hold of a name poet's revision drafts, there's much one can learn from it. Let your revisions be your own, not openly publish them like others do, it's awful rude on their part.
Logged
dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2012, 11:23:15 PM »

I can't learnif I don't put it out there. Maybe this is not the place. I'd love to be in a face to face place for critique. I'll edit my online edits, as advised. I don't want to be rude. Just to grow.
Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
constantine
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 296
Posts: 15088



View Profile Email
« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2012, 11:33:21 PM »

do what you feel comfortable with - don't let us get you down! we're just messing with you cause we like you!
Logged
dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #19 on: May 30, 2012, 03:37:35 AM »

oh! well then!
take those comments and ...
sorry I can't do it
I'm not going any where. I will try to not be so needy. unless you like that ...
Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
BardmasterUB05
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 206
Posts: 6939



View Profile Email
« Reply #20 on: May 30, 2012, 04:05:46 AM »

Dannen, you are awesome and chisel out nice work. Let it be yours...the revisions. These mugs don't deserve the key to  your inner secrets. Look how Nazz is stalking this Godfather, he messing' with Bardalino!
Logged
dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2012, 04:08:36 AM »

Smiley
Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
ChrisGeorge
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 70
Posts: 5184



View Profile Email
« Reply #22 on: May 30, 2012, 03:19:47 PM »

Hi dannen

Thanks for explaining that the poem is being told from the viewpoint of the cowboy.  Your revision is solid.  Fine work.  I would though keep the last line as "are" instead of "were" because the bulls can remain feisty even as our cowboy is being taken to hospital.   Wink

Chris
Logged

constantine
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 296
Posts: 15088



View Profile Email
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2012, 03:59:28 PM »

personally, i liked the original and the earliest revision. the subsequent revisions have diminished its playfulness, which, i believe, was its salient characteristic.
Logged
ChrisGeorge
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 70
Posts: 5184



View Profile Email
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2012, 04:30:31 PM »

Another good argument to never discard the earlier versions.  It is a good practice to keep paper versions of anything posted in cyberspace, and even here to retain the earlier versions and not erase them.

Chris
Logged

dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2012, 04:33:41 PM »

hmmmmm ...

I've got both versions stored on my hard drive. I've looked them over and compared.

You guys have given me lots to ponder.

BULLS ARE FEISTY TODAY

Cowboy sits and watches
Each contestant gets thrown

Steely eyes tracking
Contemplating
The mood of the crowd, of the bulls

Bulls are feisty today

Contemplating
Clowns are working
Dangerous distraction

It’s hard, rewarding work, Dangerous
Crowd wants blood,
Crowd always wants blood

Flicks his cig aside, stretches
Seats his bull, deep breath
He’s set, he’s ready

All in a day’s work, give ‘em what they want
Gate opens, crowd cheers

Ambulance screams
Crowd goes wild

Bulls were feisty today



or

BULLS ARE FEISTY TODAY

Cowboy sits and watches
Each contestant gets thrown
Bulls are feisty today

Clowns are working
Dangerous distraction
Bulls are feisty today

Crowd wants blood
Riders reluctant to give
Bulls are feisty today

Cowboy seats his bull
Gate opens, crowd cheers
Bulls are feisty today

Ambulance screams
Crowd goes wild
Bulls are feisty today
 

Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #26 on: May 30, 2012, 04:45:55 PM »

I'm going with the newest version and keeping the "were".
This speaks to what I was going for in the beginning and the "were" is, again, from the cowboys voice. Though they may continue to be feisty, he is done with them for the day.

Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
ChrisGeorge
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 70
Posts: 5184



View Profile Email
« Reply #27 on: May 30, 2012, 06:28:11 PM »

Hi dannen

I guess part of my point was that in the first version, although the cowboy appears in the opening stanza, it wasn't clear to the reader that everything was being viewed from the cowboy's perspective.  He just seems to be a character in the opening lines, part of the total package of images that you are presenting and no more important than that.  Your revision made it clear that it was his thoughts and that we were to see the scene from his point of view.

All the best

Chris
Logged

dannen
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 24
Posts: 1269



View Profile
« Reply #28 on: May 30, 2012, 08:09:44 PM »

Thanks Chris,
I'm glad I had input to show me that i had to bring it into sharper focus.
I think I'm about done being feisty for a while.
Logged

I always want honest constructive critique.
Pages: 1 [2]
Print
Jump to: