Poetry in Baltimore

Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th

Offline dannen

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BULLS ARE FEISTY TODAY

Cowboy sits and watches
Each contestant gets thrown

Steely eyes tracking
Contemplating
The mood of the crowd, of the bulls

Bulls are feisty today

Contemplating
Clowns are working
Dangerous distraction

It’s hard, rewarding work, Dangerous
Crowd wants blood,
Crowd always wants blood

Flicks his cig aside, stretches
Seats his bull, deep breath
He’s set, he’s ready

All in a day’s work, give ‘em what they want
Gate opens, crowd cheers

Ambulance screams
Crowd goes wild

Bulls were feisty today


« Last Edit: May 30, 2012, 04:20:20 AM by dannen »

eMeL

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2012, 12:53:13 AM »
D, Did you write these or did you facebook friend write these

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2012, 12:59:03 AM »
I requested topics or keywords from Facebook.
This was suggested as "rodeo cowboy"
I wrote the first one then edited to get the second. Then second guessed myself and thought it might be too clipped.

constantine

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2012, 01:08:59 AM »
reads like a parody of this lorca poem:

http://poetryinbaltimore.com/smf/index.php?topic=10379.0

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2012, 01:25:19 AM »
Oh my Goodness! I've never read lorca before today. I was too lazy to  look up a poetry form to try, so I made this up. It is very similar.

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2012, 02:00:11 AM »
i like the edited version

constantine

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2012, 02:39:19 AM »
i agree

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2012, 04:31:52 AM »
Thanks you, Gentlemen

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm)
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2012, 07:33:26 PM »
This 3rd version is less repetitive, I think it flows better

Offline ChrisGeorge

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm)
« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2012, 08:43:46 PM »
Hi dannen

The potential here is for action and the blood that the crowd is baying for.  I don't think that repeating the lines "Bulls are feisty today" is sufficient.  It's rather a passive line that promises something but doesn't go beyond that promise, so the line ends up being somewhat static.  The repetition, in my view, doesn't do much for you.

The poem could give us more movement and action and at present, I don't think, does.  The piece appears to me to need something more, maybe more of a flavor of danger or blood.  Good luck in injecting that into the poem, dannen.

All the best

Chris

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm)
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2012, 11:56:49 PM »
The line was coming from the thoughts of the jaded cowboy, as if he's getting ready for his ride and assessing the mood. I'm working on making it clearer.
Thanks for the input.

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2012, 04:21:22 AM »
I hope this version sets the scene better

constantine

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2012, 05:11:57 AM »
the poets are obsessive compulsive today

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2012, 05:58:16 AM »
I think you're right Dino
The sun must be getting to us

Really I like the comments, I want to read this at the next reading and I want it to be good.
I need all the help I can get.

Offline BardmasterUB05

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2012, 06:06:28 AM »
Revisions are a must, at least 200x per poem n' each time you add, it becomes essay/prose n' birthday cardish. Thomas was a drunkard, so there!

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2012, 06:11:54 AM »
Bard, is that a general comment or is this poem getting worse?
Who is Thomas?

Offline BardmasterUB05

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #16 on: May 30, 2012, 06:18:08 AM »
Dannen, revisions are a must, don't let anybody kid you ,but don't let it become an obsession. It's good to get a hold of a name poet's revision drafts, there's much one can learn from it. Let your revisions be your own, not openly publish them like others do, it's awful rude on their part.

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #17 on: May 30, 2012, 06:23:15 AM »
I can't learnif I don't put it out there. Maybe this is not the place. I'd love to be in a face to face place for critique. I'll edit my online edits, as advised. I don't want to be rude. Just to grow.

constantine

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #18 on: May 30, 2012, 06:33:21 AM »
do what you feel comfortable with - don't let us get you down! we're just messing with you cause we like you!

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #19 on: May 30, 2012, 10:37:35 AM »
oh! well then!
take those comments and ...
sorry I can't do it
I'm not going any where. I will try to not be so needy. unless you like that ...

Offline BardmasterUB05

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #20 on: May 30, 2012, 11:05:46 AM »
Dannen, you are awesome and chisel out nice work. Let it be yours...the revisions. These mugs don't deserve the key to  your inner secrets. Look how Nazz is stalking this Godfather, he messing' with Bardalino!

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2012, 11:08:36 AM »
:)

Offline ChrisGeorge

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #22 on: May 30, 2012, 10:19:47 PM »
Hi dannen

Thanks for explaining that the poem is being told from the viewpoint of the cowboy.  Your revision is solid.  Fine work.  I would though keep the last line as "are" instead of "were" because the bulls can remain feisty even as our cowboy is being taken to hospital.   ;)

Chris

constantine

Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2012, 10:59:28 PM »
personally, i liked the original and the earliest revision. the subsequent revisions have diminished its playfulness, which, i believe, was its salient characteristic.

Offline ChrisGeorge

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2012, 11:30:31 PM »
Another good argument to never discard the earlier versions.  It is a good practice to keep paper versions of anything posted in cyberspace, and even here to retain the earlier versions and not erase them.

Chris

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2012, 11:33:41 PM »
hmmmmm ...

I've got both versions stored on my hard drive. I've looked them over and compared.

You guys have given me lots to ponder.

BULLS ARE FEISTY TODAY

Cowboy sits and watches
Each contestant gets thrown

Steely eyes tracking
Contemplating
The mood of the crowd, of the bulls

Bulls are feisty today

Contemplating
Clowns are working
Dangerous distraction

It’s hard, rewarding work, Dangerous
Crowd wants blood,
Crowd always wants blood

Flicks his cig aside, stretches
Seats his bull, deep breath
He’s set, he’s ready

All in a day’s work, give ‘em what they want
Gate opens, crowd cheers

Ambulance screams
Crowd goes wild

Bulls were feisty today



or

BULLS ARE FEISTY TODAY

Cowboy sits and watches
Each contestant gets thrown
Bulls are feisty today

Clowns are working
Dangerous distraction
Bulls are feisty today

Crowd wants blood
Riders reluctant to give
Bulls are feisty today

Cowboy seats his bull
Gate opens, crowd cheers
Bulls are feisty today

Ambulance screams
Crowd goes wild
Bulls are feisty today
 


Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #26 on: May 30, 2012, 11:45:55 PM »
I'm going with the newest version and keeping the "were".
This speaks to what I was going for in the beginning and the "were" is, again, from the cowboys voice. Though they may continue to be feisty, he is done with them for the day.


Offline ChrisGeorge

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #27 on: May 31, 2012, 01:28:11 AM »
Hi dannen

I guess part of my point was that in the first version, although the cowboy appears in the opening stanza, it wasn't clear to the reader that everything was being viewed from the cowboy's perspective.  He just seems to be a character in the opening lines, part of the total package of images that you are presenting and no more important than that.  Your revision made it clear that it was his thoughts and that we were to see the scene from his point of view.

All the best

Chris

Offline dannen

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Re: Bulls Are Feisty Today (3rd time's the charm) Ok maybe 4th
« Reply #28 on: May 31, 2012, 03:09:44 AM »
Thanks Chris,
I'm glad I had input to show me that i had to bring it into sharper focus.
I think I'm about done being feisty for a while.