next »

[dannen]

Is this too long?

Gypsy

I want to wear ropes of beads
Giant earings that move and jingle
Hats with ribbons and flowers
Shawls wrapped around my shoulders

I want to wear miles and miles of skirts
Wrapped around my waist and legs
Layer upon layer
of color and pattern

With bits of sparkle,
beads and shining threads
Moving , swirling, like water
Frothing at my knees and feet

I want to sing out loud and soulful
I want to warble emotions
cascading melodies and harmonies
Hand clapping, toe tapping rhythms

I want to dance
Tambourines a-jangling
Swirling scarves and trailing fringes
Like smoke around my arms

I want to paint my walls
with art, color and shapes
express the beauty I see
The joy I feel

I want to enjoy life
Drink in cool refreshing nature
dark, thick night pleasures
Breathe the air of rainbows and fog and song

I want to kick up my heels
My hair flying
flinging bracletted arms out
to embrace the world

[dannen]

My concerns with this poem is that it's too long and I can't decide if it falls apart at the end or not.
Any advise for me?

[saw]

the poem has a joy and rhythm that's appealing, with good imagery and spirit dance, but as you hint to, I think the poem is stronger if you simply leave off the last stanza.....the last line of the previous stanza is strong, and echoes in the mind when I am finished...."Breathe the air of rainbows and fog and song"....a nice place to end in my mind.....and with the title, I feel, the last stanza is redundant, .....and the rest of the poem tells the reader enough....hope this is helpful

[dannen]

Thank you! I was thinking the last bit was weak. I so wanted to use the "rings on my fingers and bells on my toes" line. I can see I was pushing too hard to use the one line.

Revising, with rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, she will go typing where ever she goes.

[constantine]

like smoke around my arms - very nice image.

[dannen]

OK ... I ditched the last 4 lines and rearranged the stanzas so it ends with embracing the world.
Much stronger, I think
 thank you SAW and constantine for your comments.