Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

 
Advanced search

77457 Posts in 11443 Topics- by 6401 Members - Latest Member: uacummings5821

June 18, 2013, 11:45:07 PM
Poetry In BaltimorePoetry ForumsPost Your Poetryagain, sugar, again
« previous next »
Pages: [1]
Print
Author Topic: again, sugar, again  (Read 263 times)
Dinger El
Newbie
*

Karma: 3
Posts: 27


View Profile Email
« on: November 13, 2009, 03:24:45 AM »
outside her door
disonant chords.

her dulcet cries
sifted by
piano keys you
pined aloud
for the words you wished return.

this hallway now
seconds stand against time
so be haunted by
these somber tones.
if only
your apologies could
somehow invent new words.

those familiar notes
nearly forgotten, some years
you begged god
to hear a spectre
of this melody.

you begged god for
the whisper of her voice again

now that silence
has grown new legs
to walk the house upon.

(Not sure if this is the final incarnation... let me know what you think.. d.e.)
Logged
constantine
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 287
Posts: 14599



View Profile Email
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2009, 09:01:57 PM »
i think it's pretty damn good, dinger.
Logged
Dinger El
Newbie
*

Karma: 3
Posts: 27


View Profile Email
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2009, 01:08:55 PM »
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Logged
CoolJude
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 55
Posts: 1311



View Profile Email
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2009, 07:20:47 PM »
I especially like the 3rd verse.
Logged
"This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased."
Charles Dickens
Dinger El
Newbie
*

Karma: 3
Posts: 27


View Profile Email
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2009, 01:02:30 AM »
Thank you Jude. I feel like the rhythm is awkward in places but haven't come up with a re write.
Logged
captdavis
Guest
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2009, 05:42:42 PM »
I like this a lot too. could do with a few tweaks. like "for the words you wished return." could maybe be "wish returned". and I'm not sure what to take from the last stanza but this was all in all a good read.
Logged
doreen peri
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 52
Posts: 1502


doreen+peri
View Profile WWW
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2009, 06:33:19 PM »
"if only
your apologies could
somehow invent new words."

and

"now that silence
has grown new legs
to walk the house upon."

I like these lines.... Not sure about "to walk the house upon" ... sorta clumsy to the tongue... maybe "to pace the floor" or "to walk around the house" ... I donno... but the image is great!
Logged
Dinger El
Newbie
*

Karma: 3
Posts: 27


View Profile Email
« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2009, 12:51:58 AM »
Captain Davis and Doreen... thank you for the constructive criticism... i liked the last stanza a lot when writing this but i don't think it is translating the way i hear it myself...
Logged
Pages: [1]
Print
« previous next »
Jump to: