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77360 Posts in 11431 Topics- by 6401 Members - Latest Member: uacummings5821

May 25, 2013, 02:45:25 AM
Poetry In BaltimorePoetry ForumsPost Your Poetryagain, sugar, again
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Dinger El
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« on: November 13, 2009, 03:24:45 AM »
outside her door
disonant chords.

her dulcet cries
sifted by
piano keys you
pined aloud
for the words you wished return.

this hallway now
seconds stand against time
so be haunted by
these somber tones.
if only
your apologies could
somehow invent new words.

those familiar notes
nearly forgotten, some years
you begged god
to hear a spectre
of this melody.

you begged god for
the whisper of her voice again

now that silence
has grown new legs
to walk the house upon.

(Not sure if this is the final incarnation... let me know what you think.. d.e.)
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constantine
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2009, 09:01:57 PM »
i think it's pretty damn good, dinger.
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Dinger El
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« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2009, 01:08:55 PM »
Thank you. I appreciate that.
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CoolJude
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« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2009, 07:20:47 PM »
I especially like the 3rd verse.
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"This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased."
Charles Dickens
Dinger El
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« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2009, 01:02:30 AM »
Thank you Jude. I feel like the rhythm is awkward in places but haven't come up with a re write.
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captdavis
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« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2009, 05:42:42 PM »
I like this a lot too. could do with a few tweaks. like "for the words you wished return." could maybe be "wish returned". and I'm not sure what to take from the last stanza but this was all in all a good read.
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doreen peri
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« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2009, 06:33:19 PM »
"if only
your apologies could
somehow invent new words."

and

"now that silence
has grown new legs
to walk the house upon."

I like these lines.... Not sure about "to walk the house upon" ... sorta clumsy to the tongue... maybe "to pace the floor" or "to walk around the house" ... I donno... but the image is great!
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Dinger El
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« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2009, 12:51:58 AM »
Captain Davis and Doreen... thank you for the constructive criticism... i liked the last stanza a lot when writing this but i don't think it is translating the way i hear it myself...
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