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[BardmasterUB05]

dear mr. poet,
so if it takes two to rhyme, which caretaker would be responsible for holding the CFL?

[constantine]

depends on the rhyme scheme.

[WIREMAN]

dear mr. poet....do ya....do ya.....do ya wanna jam?

[constantine]

another time. mr. poet is not averse to spontaneous poetic generation.

[WIREMAN]

i've got do my wash anyway

[constantine]

me too! mr. poet likes plenty of starch.

[doreen peri]

Dear Mr. Poet,

What type of deal do you want to make?

[constantine]

mr. poet is behind curtain #3

[BardmasterUB05]

is this a proposal to another rhymester, ladybug?

[constantine]

these questions leave something to be desired. i want to give counsel to the love forlorn, the mild and meek, yes, even the habitually constipated and incontinent. aren't any of you afflicted with anything? do you not suffer? are thee not human thou? ask any rummy, i'm good for a five spot if you're on the up and up. but don't cross me. i'll kick my own grandmother for a field goal if it means me coming out on top. thank you.

[doreen peri]

Dear Mr. Poet.

Last week, I discovered that my boyfriend was cheating on me. He stupidly brought a woman to the house and was having sex with her in the laundry room. All I wanted to do was the whites. I opened the laundry room door and there they were going at it on the floor. They both saw me. I got very upset and almost poured bleach at them but didn't. Instead, I just lost my temper and started crying, and told them both to get out of my house!

They both got up and got dressed and he escorted her out and kissed her goodbye on the front porch. She got in her car and drove away. He went back to the laundry room and got his watch and wallet which he'd left on the floor, then proceeded to sit down in front of the TV and watch football while munching on Capt. Crunch.

When I approached him and tried to talk about the scene in the laundry room, he told me I was crazy. He claimed there was no woman there and that I made the whole thing up.

I KNOW what I saw! But he tells me I have a vivid imagination and that I was hallucinating. He wants me to marry him so that he can have me committed to an insane asylum. If I married him, I'd be crazy for sure! He won't leave my house and he keeps giving me very expensive gifts.

What should I do? Help! I'm not sleeping well at night and I suspect the gifts are hot. He works at McDonalds and doesn't make enough money to buy things like this. When I do sleep, I dream of murdering the girl in the laundry closet.

signed,

Cheated On 

[constantine]

dear cheated on,

you should have respected his space on the cap'n crunch deal. that was inexcusable. consider yourself lucky that he is even talking to you after that intrusive display.

signed,

mr. poet

[doreen peri]

Dear Mr. Poet -

I have the feeling I'm supposed to be a poet when I grow up. I've felt this for a a few years. Unfortunately, I don't know where to begin. Plus, I'm interested in learning more about the occupation.

How much money can a poet make? Do poets get paid time off, vacation pay and sick leave? What would you recommend I do for training? Is the occupation of poet a trade? Should I attend a trade school? If so, which ones do you recommend? Or perhaps the occupation of poet isn't a trade at all but is some other category. If that's the case what category would you place it in?

Another thing, I'm wondering about spelling and grammar. I wasn't very good at spelling or grammar in school. (I used spellcheck before I posted this and found 15 errors in it that needed correcting.) Do poets use spellcheck or is that cheating? How important are spelling and grammar to a poet?

Oh yeah and also I'm very concerned about health insurance. When you work as a poet, do you get health insurance?

Thanks for your help. I know I could be a poet if I tried hard enough and knew what I was getting into. Every time someone speaks, it sounds like metaphors to me and so I start taking notes.

signed,

Pursuing Poetry in Paris

(Yes, I'm in Paris. Another poet told me if I moved to Paris it would increase my chances of becoming a "real" poet so I did it. I'm not sure what a "real" poet is, though. Are there "fake" poets out there?)

[constantine]

dear pursuing poetry in paris,

yes, you too can become a great poet. i have a poet's starting kit that will not only answer all of your questions, but will increase your poetic ability and know how tri-fold. all this (and more) for the remarkably low price of $499.99 - that's under five hundred dollars for can't miss success. i call that a bargain at twice the price! but wait, there's more! you will also receive a signed photograph of mr. poet and a copy of my prize winning poem "booper city" - that's what i'm talking about!!! thank you.

signed,

mr. ask mr. poet

[doreen peri]

Dear Mr. Poet,

I'm sorry but unless I know about a poet's salary, health benefits, and other benefits, I can't invest in your "kit." Seems to me this is pertinent information. Why would anybody become a poet unless they knew what the potential was for being able to take care of yourself and your family. I'll have to pass and pursue other avenues to find out answers to my questions if you cannot be forthcoming with them.

Sincerely,

Paris