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[lesliefmiller]

NOTE:  I'm not sure this poem has anything worth saving.  I have a feeling it's all or nothing.  I wanted to like it, but I'm not sure it's anything but cute.


first draft

you enter me like a storm
rapture for the long bereft
the barren and blocked,
glance and touch stirring
an equal cyclone in me.
I leave you in a ball
on the floor
by the bedside table,
used and then discarded,
traded for something
less tumultuous,
a more considerate lover,
a verb that caresses
its noun properly,
tenderly.
every one that follows
is less like you,
and I do compare them all
because I remember you—
the way you came—
and I just might
want you back.

[christoll]

you'll need to change the title!

[JohnnyElephants]

I think it's funny. Despite the title, it did take me a few lines to figure out what we were talking about.  I like it.

[constantine]

I like this alot. It flows elegantly. And I think first draft is a good title for it. "I leave you in a ball on the floor" and the subsequent lines that follow match up well with the concept of a first draft. I wonder if that was your intent. Sometimes we do things inspired and don't realize it.

[lesliefmiller]

Constantine, yes, it's about the first draft, and it does get thrown away, and sometimes we wonder if it wasn't better when we first wrote it.

Chris, very funny, except that the poem isn't a first draft.  It's a poem ABOUT the first draft, see?  ;-)

[theirishsea]

This is a superb poem.  I really, really, really like it.

[lesliefmiller]

Wow, thanks, Dan!  I was surprised to see this well received.  It was such a quick poem.

[shadowr]

oh yes, much more than cute. I think this one begs for punctuation though. I want them commas to help me see and breathe.

[lesliefmiller]

For you.  Punctuated.  Permanently.